6 Degrees of Hitler

So my custom Mass Effect mouse pad came today. Oh yeah, it’s sexy alright. Smells like a bitch though. Performance is great, much better then my desk was anyway.

If you haven’t guessed yet, I love BioWare. I just picked up Mass Effect 2, so I’ve been playing quite a lot, and my must say, while the writing isn’t as sharp as Dragon Age: Origin’s, I feel a closer bond between Shepard and Purple Bucket Head the I ever felt between My Warden and Leliana, even though Leliana was written much better. I’m guessing it’s something to do with Shepard having voice acting. Let’s hope BioWare combines the 2 aspects in Dragon Age 2. Something good has got to come out of Hawke, anyway.

Dragon Age has about 16’000 lines of dialogue. Now, that’s a lot of fucking words. Most movies have about 3’000-4’000 lines. I was surprised to hear that Oblivion has 20’000 lines (although that’s 20’000 lines of pure shit). I was even more surprised to hear that the upcoming Deus Ex sequel, Human Revolution is too include a whopping 200’000 lines. Holy fuck. That’s roughly 67 movies worth of dialogue. Now either DE:HR has more content that every movie you’ve ever seen, or “Ow!” is worth as much as “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

When it comes to quality over quantity, Valve struck gold with GLaDOS and her witty lines in the short but sweet Portal. Now that Portal 2 is on the way, we have more of her great lines to look forward too. First of all, a big FUCK YOU to Valve for premiering the trailer at the only press conference PC journalists wouldn’t of been at. Next, the game looks fucking awesome. Valve has been focusing on multi-player games as of late (read: past 3 years), so lets hope Gabe Corp. can pull another meaty single player game of of Gabe’s bowels.

Now, it’s a wonder why Valve is advertising Modern Warfare 2’s game priced DLC (hint: it starts with M, and everyone in Killing Floor loves it). I pride my self on not having bought a single bit of multiplayer DLC (My AvP Swarm Map pack came with my retail edition), so why this sells at all is a mystery to me.

Another mystery to me is why HITLER KILLED THE JEWS! WOOHOO! I HAVE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE! MOUSEPADS TO HITLER IN 6 DEGREES!

Yes, this was a waste of my time, and a waste of yours.

Patches. Patches everywhere. (Oh, and some DRM too.)

The box was so pretty. I looked at the price tag. AU$99. I looked in my wallet. $40. I sighed and walked away, leaving my dreams of defeating the Zerg in the PC section of my local EB Games. Itching for some RTS action, I grabbed my copy of Company of Heroes and decided it was time for a reinstall. However, Relic had different plans.

I re-read Mass Effect: Redemption during the long ass installation. Once Shepard’s body got away/the game had installed, it started up automatically.I logged in to my old whatever-system-CoH-uses account and the game began patching. And patching. And patching. And patching. Now Australian’s have tiny bandwidth caps, so in a vain effort to keep my download quota stable, I unplugged my LAN cable and started up the game again. It wanted to verify the game media, so I let it. But SECUROM decided differently. You see, because I was running Daemon Tools at the same time, it wouldn’t let me start the game, some bullshit about ‘emulation software.’ Fair enough, I thought, so I turned off Daemon Tools. ‘blah blah emulation software,’ again. You mother fucker. I check Task Manger, and no Daemon Tool processes are running. I restart the game, and still no luck. This only draws one conclusion. The simple act of having Daemon Tools installed on my PC made SECUROM have a heart attack. Determined to beat that jack ass copy protection, I activated the SECUROM mode on Daemon Tools. Which only works if Daemon Tools is emulating the disk. Fuck me. So I uninstalled Daemon Tools and… what the fuck? IT WON’T LET ME START? WHAT IS THIS UNHOLY BULLSHIT?

Fucking hell. All I want to do is get down and dirty in WWII, but IT WON’T FUCKING LET ME! Which is why DRM is bullshit. I took the game out of my disk drive, gave it the classic AVGN stare, put it in it’s box and sent it back the the fiery depths of Hell (which is conveniently located in between my copies of Crysis and East India Company, alphabetical ordering FTW!). Sending it back to Lucifer made me glimpse my copies of Medieval II: Total War and it’s expansion pack, Kingdoms. I could finally RTS in peace, although I lost Daemon Tools, and the Terran still need my help. But for now, I could unify Europe, under my evil dictatorship. Funnily enough, I was playing as the Holy Roman Empire, who we now call Germany. I guess it always is those funny speaking idiots in Germaina trying to take down Europe, restore peace to the galaxy and be home in time for beer and sausages.

IT’S ALIVE! (Alien Swarm and other strange things)

BWHAHA! IT WORKED! IT’S ALIVE!

Yes, after a long absence, the King has returned (sorry Duke fans, not that king). Now, I actually have some shit to talk about. ACT SURPRISED!

First up, Valve’s new game Alien Swarm. At the time of writing I’m almost level 17, and let me tell you, it’s well worth the ‘whopping’ 2GB download. If you’re dumb/lazy, Alien Swarm is a Source powered top down shooter with a Call of Duty-esque rank/unlock system. Unlike CoD though, all the unlocks are useful. Well, most of them anyway. I’ve completed the one and ONLY campaign to come with the game (Jacob’s Rest). Unfortunately, you only earn EXP on official maps, so you can’t rank up hunting bugs on the cs_office remake, and while the game has multiple difficulty levels (not pussy HL2 difficulty changes, they’re big, manly changes),  the lack of an AID system hurts the replay values. Come on Valve, the AID is just sitting in the L4D Versus code doing jack shit, give the poor guy a job.

A few of you may know I’m doing Livestreaming. Not much to talk about right now, though I do have a little rant about Borderlands on there. Go check it out, who knows, I MAY BE STREAMING SOMETHING NOW!

After getting/looking at/forgetting Photoshop CS4, I’ve been playing around with Paint.NET. They’re the little guys, but it’s a damn good little guy. Like a midget who does karate. You will undoubtedly have seen my new sig on the Falcon Army forums (FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, IT’S THE EXACT SAME SIZE AS MY SAXTON HALE SIG), but I’ve shown two or three of you my vidiya wallpaper, featuring a guy from Metro 2033 and a guy from Modern Warfare 2. What to those games have in common? They’re both in the included wallpaper! More coming soon. Click for awesome 1920×1080!

If you were expecting an EPIC return post, go look elsewhere. For everyone else, see you soon!

Keep Rollin, It’s Alright, Keep Ridin, The Midnight Ride.

If there’s one thing that makes me sad, it’s that people underestimate who are proberly one of the greatest bands of all time. But they’re fictional, so they can’t be a band, right? Wrong.  The Midnight Riders have written and performed 4 great songs, which is more than the number of good Justin Bieber songs (read: 0). And if Justin Cunt can be a ‘good’ singer, then the Midnight Riders can be a fucking great band. It doesn’t matter if the world was first introduced to the Midnight Riders in Dark Carnival, the songs are great, and that’s what matters. Hell, if played right, The Midnight Riders could become the greatest viral in history. Valve already has a Midnight Riders T-shirt in their store that has no reference to Left 4 Dead 2, except for the location of Whispering Oaks, but that has no attention drawn to it. I would have bought it if I wasn’t planning to cosplay as Ellis at SuperNova (yes, there will be pics).

But surely, if the Midnight Riders were any good, a recording studio would of picked them up, right? Well, when your songs get sent out to a game that’s sold over 3 million copies, that’s pretty damn impressive. Plus they work at Valve, one of the best jobs ever. Don’t believe me? Then use Google dumbass. So sit back, relax, and shoot zombies while listening to one of the best things to ever come out of a video game. And buy Left 4 Dead 2, you cheapass.

The Gentlemen’s Book Club for Cultured People: Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters, Chapters 1-20

After a brief hiatus, mostly because I had nothing to say, I am armed with the knowledge that I am a cultured person after reading an ever so slightly edited Jane Austen novel, Sense & Sensibility. With kraken. Fuck yeah. After some reading of it, I came to the conclusion that Jane Austen writes heavier then fucking George Orwell, though I may have found Airstrip One in 1984 a much more interesting backdrop then The Middleton Archipelago. Seriously, it’s a fucking chore working through Jane Austen’s bits, only when I get to Ben H. Winter’s edited parts do I find it truly enjoyable, as his blend of Austen’s style and the typical modern style isn’t used enough. Not to say the book isn’t good, it’s just tough to work through, you can’t just glide through it like World War Z.

That’s really all I have to say at this point. I don’t want to spoil anything, but if you enjoy a good parody, then pick it up. If not, then just go read World War Z again.

What’s in the box (the Survivor box)?

What I finished: The round-up

Borderlands: So, I finally finish it, and CAPTAIN MCFUCKNUKKETS! The last boss (who is a giant vagina) sucks balls (cock might be more appropriate, I mean it is a vagina). I hid in a corner the entire battle shooting the vagina’s testicles with my 12 pellet spread fire shotgun. I killed it just by looking at it. And it doesn’t help that game game is average. It truly deserved the 6/10 score PCPowerPlay gave it.

The Chronicles of Riddick – Escape from Butcher Bay: RIIIIIIIIIDDDDICKULOUS! And fucking awesome. Really. I’m playing through Assault on Dark Athena now, and it’s equally as awesome. Easily worth the 20 bones on Steam. GO BUY IT!

Daybreakers: I liked it. Fuck the haters. I also pre-ordered Aliens Vs. Predator: Survivor Edition while I went to see it. I’ll have an unboxing post around Thursday.