The box was so pretty. I looked at the price tag. AU$99. I looked in my wallet. $40. I sighed and walked away, leaving my dreams of defeating the Zerg in the PC section of my local EB Games. Itching for some RTS action, I grabbed my copy of Company of Heroes and decided it was time for a reinstall. However, Relic had different plans.
I re-read Mass Effect: Redemption during the long ass installation. Once Shepard’s body got away/the game had installed, it started up automatically.I logged in to my old whatever-system-CoH-uses account and the game began patching. And patching. And patching. And patching. Now Australian’s have tiny bandwidth caps, so in a vain effort to keep my download quota stable, I unplugged my LAN cable and started up the game again. It wanted to verify the game media, so I let it. But SECUROM decided differently. You see, because I was running Daemon Tools at the same time, it wouldn’t let me start the game, some bullshit about ‘emulation software.’ Fair enough, I thought, so I turned off Daemon Tools. ‘blah blah emulation software,’ again. You mother fucker. I check Task Manger, and no Daemon Tool processes are running. I restart the game, and still no luck. This only draws one conclusion. The simple act of having Daemon Tools installed on my PC made SECUROM have a heart attack. Determined to beat that jack ass copy protection, I activated the SECUROM mode on Daemon Tools. Which only works if Daemon Tools is emulating the disk. Fuck me. So I uninstalled Daemon Tools and… what the fuck? IT WON’T LET ME START? WHAT IS THIS UNHOLY BULLSHIT?
Fucking hell. All I want to do is get down and dirty in WWII, but IT WON’T FUCKING LET ME! Which is why DRM is bullshit. I took the game out of my disk drive, gave it the classic AVGN stare, put it in it’s box and sent it back the the fiery depths of Hell (which is conveniently located in between my copies of Crysis and East India Company, alphabetical ordering FTW!). Sending it back to Lucifer made me glimpse my copies of Medieval II: Total War and it’s expansion pack, Kingdoms. I could finally RTS in peace, although I lost Daemon Tools, and the Terran still need my help. But for now, I could unify Europe, under my evil dictatorship. Funnily enough, I was playing as the Holy Roman Empire, who we now call Germany. I guess it always is those funny speaking idiots in Germaina trying to take down Europe, restore peace to the galaxy and be home in time for beer and sausages.