Your freight train is the scene of the HURRRM.

So, I saw INCEPTION today. It. Was. Awesome. With Christopher Nolen directing, Leonardo Di Caprio starring (with lovely Ellen Page :3) and Hans Zimmer composing, how could it be anything other then amazing? If you haven’t seen it, run out RIGHT now. It’s this decade’s Blade Runner, it’s smart, thrilling and mind-bogglingly crazy. Nolen spent 10 years working on this, so make it worth his while. Go see it. You’ll regret it if you don’t! INCEPTION gets 10 HURRRRMS out of 10!

Good ol’ Toy Story, my whole childhood. Luckily, I saw Toy Story 3 at the Sydney IMAX theater. And it’s fucking awesome. Sad, funny and NOSTALIGA-GASMS ALL ROUND, all at the same time. Pixar’s best movie? Nope, that was UP, but this is a close second. Special props go out to Mr. Potato Head, for his great performance as food, and Woody for being a bro. Toy Story 3 gets 9 nostalgia-gasms out of 10!

Just Cause 2 is a fucking great time, ‘splosions, shitty voice acting and a massive open world make Just Cause 2 a very enjoyable, if repetitive action experience. While most of the missions you do for the 3 factions are the same, the 8 Agency missions take you to all corners of the ficional south east Asian country of Panau, while doing some awesome stuff, such as jumping between 3 massive skyscrapers while fighting ridiculously powerful enemies. Just Cause 2 gets 8 GOT ME WITH HIS WIRE THINGS out of 10!

And finally, the review I like to think all of you have been waiting for, Predators! It’s…alright. No where near as good as the original flick, but much better then of pile of shit known has Predator 2. Adrian Brodyquest redeems much of the movies flaws though (such as the terrible CGI Predator dogs and sky diving sequence), and it looks like Rodriguez has a sequel in mind, so hopefully that means another chance to get it right. The Predators still look Predatory and Brodyquest’s nose is still fucking huge. Predators gets 8 GET TO DA CHOPPAS out of 10!

6 Degrees of Hitler

So my custom Mass Effect mouse pad came today. Oh yeah, it’s sexy alright. Smells like a bitch though. Performance is great, much better then my desk was anyway.

If you haven’t guessed yet, I love BioWare. I just picked up Mass Effect 2, so I’ve been playing quite a lot, and my must say, while the writing isn’t as sharp as Dragon Age: Origin’s, I feel a closer bond between Shepard and Purple Bucket Head the I ever felt between My Warden and Leliana, even though Leliana was written much better. I’m guessing it’s something to do with Shepard having voice acting. Let’s hope BioWare combines the 2 aspects in Dragon Age 2. Something good has got to come out of Hawke, anyway.

Dragon Age has about 16’000 lines of dialogue. Now, that’s a lot of fucking words. Most movies have about 3’000-4’000 lines. I was surprised to hear that Oblivion has 20’000 lines (although that’s 20’000 lines of pure shit). I was even more surprised to hear that the upcoming Deus Ex sequel, Human Revolution is too include a whopping 200’000 lines. Holy fuck. That’s roughly 67 movies worth of dialogue. Now either DE:HR has more content that every movie you’ve ever seen, or “Ow!” is worth as much as “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

When it comes to quality over quantity, Valve struck gold with GLaDOS and her witty lines in the short but sweet Portal. Now that Portal 2 is on the way, we have more of her great lines to look forward too. First of all, a big FUCK YOU to Valve for premiering the trailer at the only press conference PC journalists wouldn’t of been at. Next, the game looks fucking awesome. Valve has been focusing on multi-player games as of late (read: past 3 years), so lets hope Gabe Corp. can pull another meaty single player game of of Gabe’s bowels.

Now, it’s a wonder why Valve is advertising Modern Warfare 2’s game priced DLC (hint: it starts with M, and everyone in Killing Floor loves it). I pride my self on not having bought a single bit of multiplayer DLC (My AvP Swarm Map pack came with my retail edition), so why this sells at all is a mystery to me.

Another mystery to me is why HITLER KILLED THE JEWS! WOOHOO! I HAVE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE! MOUSEPADS TO HITLER IN 6 DEGREES!

Yes, this was a waste of my time, and a waste of yours.

Patches. Patches everywhere. (Oh, and some DRM too.)

The box was so pretty. I looked at the price tag. AU$99. I looked in my wallet. $40. I sighed and walked away, leaving my dreams of defeating the Zerg in the PC section of my local EB Games. Itching for some RTS action, I grabbed my copy of Company of Heroes and decided it was time for a reinstall. However, Relic had different plans.

I re-read Mass Effect: Redemption during the long ass installation. Once Shepard’s body got away/the game had installed, it started up automatically.I logged in to my old whatever-system-CoH-uses account and the game began patching. And patching. And patching. And patching. Now Australian’s have tiny bandwidth caps, so in a vain effort to keep my download quota stable, I unplugged my LAN cable and started up the game again. It wanted to verify the game media, so I let it. But SECUROM decided differently. You see, because I was running Daemon Tools at the same time, it wouldn’t let me start the game, some bullshit about ‘emulation software.’ Fair enough, I thought, so I turned off Daemon Tools. ‘blah blah emulation software,’ again. You mother fucker. I check Task Manger, and no Daemon Tool processes are running. I restart the game, and still no luck. This only draws one conclusion. The simple act of having Daemon Tools installed on my PC made SECUROM have a heart attack. Determined to beat that jack ass copy protection, I activated the SECUROM mode on Daemon Tools. Which only works if Daemon Tools is emulating the disk. Fuck me. So I uninstalled Daemon Tools and… what the fuck? IT WON’T LET ME START? WHAT IS THIS UNHOLY BULLSHIT?

Fucking hell. All I want to do is get down and dirty in WWII, but IT WON’T FUCKING LET ME! Which is why DRM is bullshit. I took the game out of my disk drive, gave it the classic AVGN stare, put it in it’s box and sent it back the the fiery depths of Hell (which is conveniently located in between my copies of Crysis and East India Company, alphabetical ordering FTW!). Sending it back to Lucifer made me glimpse my copies of Medieval II: Total War and it’s expansion pack, Kingdoms. I could finally RTS in peace, although I lost Daemon Tools, and the Terran still need my help. But for now, I could unify Europe, under my evil dictatorship. Funnily enough, I was playing as the Holy Roman Empire, who we now call Germany. I guess it always is those funny speaking idiots in Germaina trying to take down Europe, restore peace to the galaxy and be home in time for beer and sausages.

IT’S ALIVE! (Alien Swarm and other strange things)

BWHAHA! IT WORKED! IT’S ALIVE!

Yes, after a long absence, the King has returned (sorry Duke fans, not that king). Now, I actually have some shit to talk about. ACT SURPRISED!

First up, Valve’s new game Alien Swarm. At the time of writing I’m almost level 17, and let me tell you, it’s well worth the ‘whopping’ 2GB download. If you’re dumb/lazy, Alien Swarm is a Source powered top down shooter with a Call of Duty-esque rank/unlock system. Unlike CoD though, all the unlocks are useful. Well, most of them anyway. I’ve completed the one and ONLY campaign to come with the game (Jacob’s Rest). Unfortunately, you only earn EXP on official maps, so you can’t rank up hunting bugs on the cs_office remake, and while the game has multiple difficulty levels (not pussy HL2 difficulty changes, they’re big, manly changes),  the lack of an AID system hurts the replay values. Come on Valve, the AID is just sitting in the L4D Versus code doing jack shit, give the poor guy a job.

A few of you may know I’m doing Livestreaming. Not much to talk about right now, though I do have a little rant about Borderlands on there. Go check it out, who knows, I MAY BE STREAMING SOMETHING NOW!

After getting/looking at/forgetting Photoshop CS4, I’ve been playing around with Paint.NET. They’re the little guys, but it’s a damn good little guy. Like a midget who does karate. You will undoubtedly have seen my new sig on the Falcon Army forums (FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, IT’S THE EXACT SAME SIZE AS MY SAXTON HALE SIG), but I’ve shown two or three of you my vidiya wallpaper, featuring a guy from Metro 2033 and a guy from Modern Warfare 2. What to those games have in common? They’re both in the included wallpaper! More coming soon. Click for awesome 1920×1080!

If you were expecting an EPIC return post, go look elsewhere. For everyone else, see you soon!